Step-By-Step Plan For Managing Toddler Meltdowns
Before we dive into managing your toddler’s meltdowns let’s look at a few common errors when addressing toddler behavior
Using Negative language: Focusing on the negative with your toddler.
Toxic Positivity: we don’t always have positive feelings. We can’t always “keep calm and carry on” or “be happy!” Make sure your toddler is comfortable expressing their feelings—all of their feelings—and that they aren’t ashamed or embarrassed to do this.
Bribery: putting conditions on everything you ask your child to do.
Gendered language and set gender expectations. Nothing you do to manage your toddler’s behavior should be motivated or influenced by gender.
Expectations: Remember, toddlers have short attention spans, most can only sit for mere minutes at a time, and many won’t understand social concepts like “taking turns” and “sharing” until closer to age 4.
Here are a set of questions you can ask yourself to address meltdowns and tantrums proactively
STEP 1: Have you prepared your child in advance for the events of the day?
Transitions are extremely difficult for toddlers and can be the source of many meltdowns. Often they feel as if they’re being plucked from one activity to another without choice or even a fair warning. Plan in advance.
Review all plans for the day with your child in a manner that they can understand. You can ask them to explain the schedule to you from a picture chart of ordered activities.
Use an oven timer to handle transitions, the timer can count down the 10 or 5-minute warning you give before bed.
STEP 2: Have you managed YOUR feelings?
Toddler meltdowns and tantrums often seem to come out of nowhere and we don’t always respond in the most productive way. Your feelings tangled with your toddlers creates a game of tug-o-war that neither of you has a chance of winning. You may feel the physical signs of stress such as rapid heartbeat, tense muscles.
First, take a breath. If you have time, take a few calming breaths: In 1, 2, 3, 4 slowly through your nose, hold for one, then 1,2, 3, 4 blow out through your mouth. Slowly. Pause all decision-making and reacting. Assess your own feelings. Are they managed? Are you okay to move forward without a collision of emotions between you and your toddler?
Approach your child with calm confidence. They may seem angry but what they really need from you is your level-headedness? and confidence and your ability to keep them safe.
STEP 3: Are you at eye level?
When toddlers are in emotional distress, a tall adult can appear threatening, towering over them.
Get down at eye level. Show that you can see and hear them.
STEP 4: Have you validated your toddler’s feelings
Show a mask of calm. Show that you are okay with their feelings and you’re not even surprised by the feelings. You are here to de-escalate.
Validate their feelings. Parrot back to them what is happening, repeat any feelings they’ve expressed. Maybe you repeat this mantra several times as a way to keep yourself calm and as a way to ensure your child has heard this important validation during their meltdown. Don’t focus on why the feelings happened, focus on seeing the feelings, showing your acceptance, and then moving forward.
What is unique to your child? Does your child feel better by a hug during a meltdown? Or does your child need some space?
Remember you are not promoting or accepting harmful behaviors, only acknowledging their feelings.
PARENT
I hear that you’re mad and sad about leaving the playground. But throwing toys is not okay. Someone might get hurt.
Avoid toxic positivity: this is a form of gaslighting and it can look like you reassure your child that they are okay, nothing is wrong when that is clearly not what your child is feeling
Giving in: if you give in to your toddler’s demands when it goes against your non-negotiable boundaries it is like sending a sick person into a crowded room. The virus multiplies and soon one sick person becomes many sick people.
Reason Later: employing reason to handle your toddler’s tantrum is not an effective strategy. When they are in this heightened state of emotion, they can’t listen to reason and logic. This is the time to love and support your child, not to teach them a lesson.
STEP 5: Have you drawn a clear line for your toddler?
After you see and validate feelings, explain to your toddler the non-negotiable limits
PARENT
I hear that you want to read another book. You feel sad that we have to turn out the lights. But it is bedtime now. Which book do you want to read tomorrow night, this one or this one?
STEP 6: Have you pointed out the good to come?
Mention a future activity, not as a distraction but to point out a future where things are okay and your toddler has control over something.
Perhaps leaving the backyard for bath time has upset your little one. After accepting their feelings, reminding them of boundaries, say something like:
PARENT
Do you want to play with measuring cups in the bath or soap crayons?
Acknowledge their feelings when they push back but assert your position as the manager of daily plans and all big decisions in your household.
