A Guide on How to Stop Toddler Tantrums

Dec 9

What do you do with a heavily unregulated toddler? According to parenting coach Julie Johnson, M.Ed., toddler tantrums are rooted in something deeper than simple misbehavior. Having a child with emotional outbursts or tantrum problems doesn’t necessarily mean you have a bad child. Childcare professionals reject the term “problem children” because it assumes a negative identifying term for a kid who isn’t fully developed yet, especially younger ones. Instead, you should focus on being a supportive role through these developmental phases rather than defining the child by their current challenges.

What is a Tantrum?

Johnson, who holds a master’s in education, has dealt with all general areas of misbehavior, and has more than 15 years of experience supporting families through emotional-regulation coaching, says tantrums are a natural response to natural feelings of overwhelm.

“Kids are feeling emotions for the first time, and they don’t really know what these feelings or emotions are or why they’re having them,” Johnson said during a recent MissPoppins interview. “There are underlying things that are causing these big emotions to come up.”

Although babies begin developing emotional regulation in infancy, children cannot reliably self-regulate until around age 7. This leaves toddlers especially vulnerable to overwhelm without supportive guidance.

What Sets off a Tantrum in Toddlers

Johnson explained that tantrums often look irrational to adults because the trigger is rarely the true source of the emotion.

“One little trigger, what I call a pretext , sets them off. To an adult, it can seem like the child is overreacting or ‘crazy,’ but to the child it was important,” she said.

Tantrums can actually happen long before the actual outburst. They are an overflow of emotions, especially when they aren’t able to communicate or self regulate effectively. A child’s upset is often connected to unmet emotional needs earlier in the day. This can look like a missed connection, overstimulation, transitions, separation, hunger, or even a moment when they felt brushed off.

“Sometimes we don’t always know what’s underneath. Maybe the child wanted more attention from you that morning… These legitimate feelings store up inside of us.”

How to Respond When a Toddler Is Melting Down

The parents’ stability is primordial to setting the foundation for less tantrums in the future. We may see ourselves as fully mature but in certain stressful situations, parents may immediately react in less desirable ways. Under pressure, this can look like clenching your jaw, asserting dominance, and maybe even a reactionary screaming match with their child.

1. Your Nervous System is Reflected in Theirs

Most of the time children are a reflection of the adult’s current emotional standing. Children borrow their caregiver’s emotional state. It may not be wise to say tantrums are only the parents fault, but they serve as

“They need your nervous system to settle theirs,” Johnson explained. A calm, steady presence helps a child’s brain return to equilibrium. It is paramount for the caregiver to resolve their internal conflict. This looks like:

Managing your own stress response
Not reacting out of frustration
Reframing the child’s behavior as emotional communication
Staying grounded so the child can calm down

A huge part of the parent coaching role is to serve in building a better foundation for the parent. Johnson ensures that she focuses her parental coaching by better adjusting the root of the parent's emotional response.

2. Gentle Parenting Doesn’t Mean Being a Pushover

Validating the emotion gives kids the language they don’t yet have. Gentle parenting should not be mistaken for an allowance for stepping over established boundaries. If you are experiencing more intense behaviors such as hitting, throwing, and fitting; you should restrain.

A simple phrase can look like:
“It’s okay to feel frustrated. I’m right here.”
This reduces panic and strengthens trust.

3. Reframe Your Mind, You Aren’t Fixing a Child, You Are Guiding Them

Parents often jump to solutions, but Johnson encourages slowing down.

“Sometimes what they actually need is to let the emotion come out. Your job is to support them through it,” she said.

4. Find a Parent Coach that Specializes in Tantrums and General Misbehavior

Because tantrums are usually not about the surface trigger, Johnson recommends parents observe patterns: sleep, hunger, transitions, separation, or emotional needs earlier in the day. These tantrum triggers can look different in every household. Parent coaches like Julie Johnson are available for emotional outbursts, especially if you are dealing with an aggressive or dysregulated child. If you need more specialized support, consider our catalog of experts that have a background in supporting neurodiverse children.