What to Do If Your Toddler Hits You: A Behavioral Specialist’s Take

When a toddler lashes out physically, many parents are left shocked, confused, or even hurt. It’s easy to feel like something is wrong, either with your child or with your parenting. But according to Monika Gupta, a seasoned child behavioral specialist, hitting is not as alarming as it may first seem. In fact, it can be part of expected developmental behavior. If you need help with an aggressive child, it could be time to rework your parenting communication/discipline strategies. 

“Especially in the toddler age, it’s a normal behavior,” Gupta explains. “We don’t want it to happen, but think about what’s going on in that timeframe, they’re learning language, they don’t have the words, they’re still trying to figure out how to navigate regulation.”

Understanding the Behavior

Toddlers often hit because they lack the language and emotional regulation skills to express themselves. After all, hitting can be a form of communication from your toddler who hasn’t yet developed the ability to process them. Common reasons aren’t due to bad parenting, it can often be:

• Limited vocabulary or inability to verbalize needs

• Fatigue, overstimulation, or hunger

• Difficulty with impulse control

• Seeking attention or testing boundaries
  

“It can be that they have some big feelings that they just don’t know how to regulate or get out,” Gupta says. “And part of it is sometimes just attention-seeking.” 

According to the National Association for the Education of Young Children (2020), toddlers depend on adult “coregulation” to develop self-control. Without responsive support, children often resort to behavioral expressions like hitting.

What Not to Do 

Gupta emphasizes that parents should avoid trying to teach or reason with their child while they are actively dysregulated. Trying to correct behavior in the heat of a tantrum or outburst is often ineffective. It’s better to keep your reaction neutral, ensure safety, and revisit the situation later when the child is calm and receptive.

“You can’t, when they’re in that moment of hitting, it’s hard to teach those skills. You have to do it outside of that moment.”

Find an Experienced Child Behaviorist

While occasional hitting is typical for toddlers, repeated aggression, lack of social engagement, or developmental delays in other areas may signal a need for further support. Gupta encourages parents to reach out early if they have concerns.

“You can even reach out to your early intervention program for your state. It’s a self-referral. Or you can go through platforms like MissPoppins to get that guidance of, ‘Am I seeing what I think I’m seeing?’”

Tantrum Hitting Isn’t always a Red Flag

It’s important to acknowledge how children reach their developmental milestones on a case by case basis. With a change of perspective, you can implement strategies that are beneficial in helping you understand your child’s needs and adapt to their form of communication. After all, before they are children, they are human beings.

“Behavior is communication,” she says. “It’s our job to help them learn better ways to express themselves.”

Listen to the full conversation with Monika on MissPoppins- The Art of Parenting Podcast.