The Most Important Preschool Milestones
What Preschoolers Learn in School
You’re finally dropping your child off to preschool and for some, the longest time they have been separated from their child. The thoughts begin to flow in;: Is my child ahead? Behind? Ready? Should a child learn the alphabet in preschool? How far should they be able to count? When do children begin to read?
Maria Larrotta, M.S. in Early Childhood Education, former Preschool Director, and trauma-informed early childhood leader, says that the milestones that matter most between ages three and five aren’t the ones parents usually worry about.
“They can sing the ABC song,” she says, “but that doesn’t mean it has value for them.”
With experience spanning private preschools, mixed-income demonstration schools, and directing an early childhood program inside a homeless women’s shelter serving infants through age three, Larrotta has seen development across every socioeconomic background. Her conclusions are clear: the foundations of long-term success are social, emotional, and relational.
Preschool is a playground for exploration and there is a key emphasis on expanding your social and environmentally interactive skills.
Social Engagement Is the Real Readiness Marker
The first and most telling milestone isn’t always an academic marker.
“I really look for children who can socially engage in a group, engaging in back-and-forth play, mimicking, laughing, imitating,” Larrotta explains.
Between ages three and five, children should show interest in both peers and adults. They should initiate interaction. They should respond when someone speaks. They should experiment socially.
This back-and-forth exchange is neurological gold. It builds:
Emotional intelligence
Language development
Conflict navigation skills
Early executive functioning
A child who can cooperate, imitate, and recover socially is developing the architecture needed for classroom learning later. If social engagement is absent, that warrants attention far more than whether they can write their name.
Curiosity Signals Cognitive Health
One of the simplest yet most powerful indicators Larrotta watches for is curiosity.
“I look for kids who are curious about their environment and curious about the people around them.”
Curiosity looks like:
Asking questions
Exploring objects
Engaging in pretend play
Testing cause and effect
Playing with sticks, dirt, blocks, or imaginary worlds
“Playing with a stick, playing with the dirt, being curious about the world — that’s the foundation for all the building blocks,” she says.
This kind of exploratory play isn’t idle. It is the brain practicing hypothesis testing, pattern recognition, and sensory integration.
In fact, excessive academic pressure can interrupt this process. When learning becomes performance-based rather than exploratory, curiosity can shrink.
Communication: Intention Over Perfection
Parents often focus on articulation. But Larrotta focuses on something deeper: intention.
“The child doesn’t need to speak perfectly,” she explains. “But having the intention of making themselves understood is huge.”
Intentional communication might look like:
Pulling a caregiver toward something
Pointing and vocalizing
Repeating attempts to clarify
Making requests instead of just stating discomfort
There is a developmental shift between saying, “I’m hungry,” and saying, “Can I have a snack?”
That shift reflects problem-solving. It reflects social awareness. It reflects executive functioning.
“We want children to be functional communicators,” Larrotta says. “When they can communicate challenges and solve problems, they take a principal role in evolving through their life.” These social skills are some of the most obvious signs of future success.
Following Directions Is Executive Function in Action
By age four or five, children should be able to follow two- to three-step directions. The ability to use cognitive sequencing skills are telling.
“Put your shoes in the basket, grab your coat, and meet me at the door.”
This seemingly simple task reflects:
Working memory
Auditory processing
Attention control
Self-regulation
If a child struggles here, it may not be defiance. It may signal executive functioning immaturity. A healthy preschool setting should offer guided support in these areas as opposed to pressure.
You Should Tell Your Child No More Often
Perhaps Larrotta’s most controversial stance is her advocacy for the word no.
“I am a huge fan of saying no to children,” she says.
Not harshly. Not dismissively. But intentionally.
“When you say no, you’re helping broaden their window of tolerance- to rejection, to failure, to denial and in the safest environment possible.”
In preschool classrooms, children may hear “no” dozens of times before lunch, from peers, from teachers, from circumstance.
A child who collapses at every boundary struggles socially. A child who adapts builds resilience.
“A no doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world,” she says. “It’s just no.”
Adaptability predicts long-term success more reliably than early academic acceleration.
Memorization Is Not Mastery
In many preschool environments, academic checklists dominate conversations:
Knows ABCs
Counts to 20
Writes their name
But Larrotta urges parents to differentiate memorization from meaning.
“Even if a child can sing the ABC song, that doesn’t mean it means absolutely anything to them.”
True literacy development begins with understanding letter sounds not their names. True numeracy begins with one-to-one correspondence to the sequence and not just knowing the name.
Learning becomes powerful when it connects to lived experience:
“T is for tire. W is for wheel.”
“When we connect learning to something meaningful in their life,” she says, “it becomes significantly more valuable than memorization.”
Attachment: The Hidden Milestone
From her trauma-informed leadership inside a homeless shelter preschool, Larrotta emphasizes something rarely included on milestone charts: secure attachment.
“It all goes back to the foundation of attachment,” she explains. “A child who has a safe attachment, that safety allows you to thrive.”
Even one stable adult can dramatically alter developmental trajectory.
Secure attachment enables:
Risk-taking
Exploration
Emotional recovery
Social trust
“When you have that connection, when you have that safety, it allows you to spread your wings and try things.” In other words: resilience grows in safety.
When to Pause and Observe
While development exists on a spectrum, persistent patterns may warrant support.
Larrotta watches for:
Ongoing social withdrawal
Lack of curiosity
Limited intentional communication
Complete disengagement
But she also cautions against panic.
“Children have the same potential no matter what social class they’re in.”
Environment matters. Support matters. Attachment matters. During this early stage of life, intervention with a private mentor can be transformational.
About Maria Larrotta
Maria Larrotta is an Early Education Specialist, former Preschool Teacher, Preschool Director, and Director of an Early Childhood Program, previously also within a homeless women’s shelter serving infants through age three. She specializes in trauma-informed care, attachment-based development, and parent partnership models that support long-term child success.