What is Co-Regulation in Parenting?

Every parent has lived it: the screaming in the grocery aisle, the meltdown at bedtime, the tears that won’t stop over the wrong color cup. These aren’t just “terrible twos.” They’re signs of toddlers grappling with emotions too big for their developing brains to manage alone. The solution isn’t distraction or punishment. Co-regulation refers to the ability of the parent to control their emotions and serve as a supporting presence for the development of their child.

Child and family development expert Ana Adame explains it this way: “Co-regulation is the act of a parent staying calm and collected with their toddler to help their toddler to calm down. Your toddler’s ability to regulate themselves starts with co-regulation.” She emphasizes that reasoning with toddlers in the heat of a tantrum won’t work, because their brains simply aren’t wired for logic in those moments. What does work is presence picking them up, holding them, and breathing through it together. 

This is one of those parenting skills that sounds simple but feels incredibly hard at the moment. Tantrums can be triggering for adults who didn’t grow up with emotional support themselves. For parents who may still be suffering themselves from emotional dysregulation, there is no need to lose hope. Adame noted that, “It’s okay if you are also dysregulated. If you recognize that and take a moment to do deep breaths with your toddler, that’s co-regulation too.” In other words, you don’t have to be perfectly calm, you just have to show your child how to come back to calm.

Children Learn Emotional Regulation From Their Parents/Surroundings

Why does this matter so much? Because emotional regulation is learned, not something automatically triggered within us. In early childhood, kids develop language, social skills, and resilience by watching how caregivers respond. When parents co-regulate, toddlers pick up tools they’ll use for the rest of their lives. Most of someone’s ability to self regulate their emotions is first learned by observing the actions of others in their surroundings. Research supports this, showing that young children who experience consistent co-regulation at home are better prepared to manage stress in school and social situations (Harvard Center on the Developing Child).

One of the most common parenting traps is turning to technology as a quick fix. Adame points out that giving toddlers a screen during a tantrum “just becomes a crutch.” Instead of learning how to sit with their feelings, children get used to immediate distraction. Over time, that leaves them less equipped to handle disappointment or stress without external soothing.

For parents wondering when to start, the answer is earlier than you think. Tantrums typically begin around 18 months, and meaningful improvement in emotional regulation may not be visible until closer to age three. As Adame puts it, “Co-regulation takes a lot of time, a lot of repetition, a lot of consistency.” The work is slow but cumulative. Each calm breath with your toddler builds a skill set they’ll carry into adolescence and adulthood.

So the next time you’re facing a meltdown in the car seat or a battle over bedtime pajamas, remember: co-regulation isn’t about stopping the tantrum immediately. It’s about guiding your child through the storm so they can eventually learn to steer on their own. And that, more than any gadget or technique, is the heart of helping toddlers grow into emotionally resilient kids.